Why my husband had to learn to disassemble toilets

My husband, who was not handy around the house at all when I met him, has gotten very good at disassembling and reassembling toilets. Why, do you ask? Well that would be because of my third son - The IMP.

What you have to realize is my older two sons are just 18 months apart so they are very attached to each other. The IMP is a little over 2 years younger than my second son and therefore almost 4 years younger than my oldest. This is just enough of a gap for The IMP to always feel left out. From the time he could toddle around he was chasing after, really trying to keep up with the older two. Well of course he didn't keep up well, so he went to a different plan of attack. Any kind of attention he can get from his big brother is at least attention in his book. So, he quickly moved to torturing them.

I can remember the day it started. The IMP was about 18 months old. My older two were sitting on the floor watching TV when the IMP walked up behind the two of them, stood right in between them, raised his hands, slapped them both in the back of the head then turned and ran the other direction. Thus the rounds of "tell him to stop not touching me" and "Mom make him stop making that clicking noise" began. He found whatever her could to really get under their skin. He's very good at it too.

Now, at 4 years old my second son was easily scared. The idea of anything creepy or crawly would freak him out. For Halloween that year I had bought this pack of huge (about the size of the palm of your hand) glow in the dark spiders that we had used to decorate the bushes in front of the house. Well, my second son tolerated them but wasn't too thrilled with them. The IMP realized this right away. After spending the day chasing his brother around the house throwing one of the rubber spiders at him, the IMP came up with a brilliant plan. My second son often woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. The IMP figured setting the spider on toilet would be hysterical. Well, it worked, his brother woke up went into the bathroom and proceeded to scream. He threw what ever he could in the direction of the spider, knocking it right into the bowl. He then tried to flush it away. This only lodged the spider at the base of the bowl.

This was the first time my husband had to take a toilet apart to get the stuck toy out. It was a live and learn experience. He got the toilet apart but then cracked the base when trying to put it back on the pipe. We got a new toilet out of that attempt and my husband started to become very friendly with the sales people at Home Depot. Anyway, we had a couple of more incidents with the other rubber spiders and the toilet bowl. Till my husband got fed up and went around collecting all of the rubber spiders and threw them away. Asking me to please not buy any of those silly things ever again.

Well, it didn't end there. We then had a couple of rounds of rubber dinosaurs being flushed down the toilet just for fun. After being threatened with his precious dinosaurs joining the spiders, the animals in the toilet stopped for awhile.

When The IMP was just about 4, we bought a new 2 bathroom house. We had not been in the new house three days when the downstairs toilet became clogged. We did not have to go far to find the culprit. You guessed it, the IMP, but this time he had an explanation. What we had not thought about is that during all of the hustle and bustle of moving into the house my children had been plopped in front of the TV to watch that Disney favorite "Finding Nemo." In that movie there is a line that is repeated more than a few times -- those of you with children may remember -- "All pipes lead to the ocean." Well this thought inspired The IMP. When my husband took apart the toilet this time we found a plastic dinosaur, a Lego boat, a little plastic tree and a fishing hook. Now, the fishing hook had come from a decoration left behind by the previous owners that hung above the snack bar in the family room. Which means the IMP thought this through, because he had to climb on top of the snack bar and untangle the hook from the fishing net that hung from the ceiling.

Dad: "IMP why did you flush these things down the toilet? We had a talk about this and I thought you understood you weren't supposed to flush toys down the toilet??"
IMP: "But Dad that's a plesiosaur and it belongs in the ocean. All pipes lead to the ocean you know."
Dad: " Where did you hear that?"
IMP: "Finding Nemo. All pipes lead to the ocean you know."
Dad: Try to now keep a straight face: "Oh, I didn't realize. Then why did you flush the boat and the tree?"
IMP: " Well I thought the plesiosaur might get tired of swimming so he I sent him a boat to float on. And then I remembered that plesiosaurs are plant eaters, so I sent him the tree."
Dad: Really trying to keep a straight face - he is trying to discipline his child after all. "OK, but why the fishing hook? These are sharp. You know you're not supposed play with these. And what were you doing climbing on top of the snack bar???!!!"
IMP: "After I flushed the dinosaur, the boat and the tree down, I thought that he (meaning the dinosaur) might get bored and might like to do some fishing to keep busy like Grandpa does."
Dad: Really, really trying to keep a straight face. "IMP, I don't want to see anymore toys flushed down the toilet otherwise I'll throw them away. Let set these aside for Mommy to see when she comes home."

Birthday party weekend

Sorry I have written in a few days, I've been trying to get caught up on life; a virtually impossible task in my world, but I try anyway. Sometimes it’s the journey not the destiny, right?

We had a birthday party weekend this weekend. Two of my sons had parties to attend on Saturday and we were having my youngest son's party on Sunday. Normally this would not be too much of an issue but this weekend we had some logistical issues. This was mostly because my husband was working a double this Saturday (meaning he had to be at work by 10:30 AM and wouldn't be home till around 2:00 AM). The first party was scheduled for 10:00 AM - Noon and the second party was scheduled for Noon-2:00 PM. Fortunately, it turned out that the first party was being held at a laser Tag place near my husband's work, so he took our second son and dropped him at his party while I fed and dressed the other four, got a shower (leaving the 12 year old in charge for a few minutes - I think he's on a power trip - make a mental note to talk with him about that when we get back), put the diaper bag together, wrapped the present (thank God for gift bags) and went on the great shoe hunt. After finding and getting everyone's shoes on, it was time to head out to the second party. This party was at a bowling alley. It is a very fun place with loud dance music, black lights and lots of arcade games. However, I have to walk in with four kids, get one settled in and bowling shoes on and some how manage to get the other three back out to the car in under 15 minutes, so I can get to the restaurant to pick up my second child from my husband (He had picked up our second son and taken him back to work with him). This is process is something like herding cats. I finally get three children back in the van when my cell phone starts ringing. It's my second child calling to announce he's at work with Dad and he's bored. “When are you getting here to pick me up?" I get there about 20 minutes later to pick him. My oldest then announces he's hungry again.

Oldest child: “Can’t we stay here and have lunch?"
Mom: "No. We had this discussion in the car. We have just enough time to pick up your brother, get back in the van and go back to the bowling alley to pick up your youngest brother."
Oldest child: "But I'm hungry."
Mom: "How can you be hungry we just had breakfast an hour ago?"
Oldest child: “Well, I am. I'm a growing boy you know. "
Dad: "You want a turkey sandwich to eat in the car?"
Oldest Child: "Sure."
Mom: “Can I get a Coke to go? I need some caffeine."

So, we get everyone some food, me some soda and get back in the van. We get to the bowling alley a little before the party is supposed to end, which gets my other four started on "Can we bowl?"
Mom: “Maybe some other time"
Kids: "But mom it looks like fun. Can we bowl? "
Mom: “Not today"
Kids: "But we want to bowl."
Mom: "No. Go see what your brother is doing." This always buys me a little time. I then talk with a couple of the other moms about how fast they are all growing and answer the "How many do you have again?" question.

Oh, the kids are back.

Kids: "Mom, can we go bowling?" Like we never had the previous conversation.
Mom: "Not today. Another time. We need to go home and clean up the house and get ready for your brother's party tomorrow. "
Kids: "But I didn't make the mess."
Mom: "Neither did I, but someone needs to clean it up."
Kids: "Mom, that’s not fair."
Mom: “Well, unless you can find the gremlins who made the mess we need to clean it up.”
Kids: “Mooom.”
Mom: “No we need to go soon.”


Thankfully at this point the overhead lights are turned on and a voice announces party time is over.

Mom: " Oh, darn. Time to go. They have the next set of birthday parties starting and there's no room for us. We'll come another day"

At this point goodie bags are passed out and thoughtful friends that I have had made extras for all of my children. Now I didn't have to go through the "Mom, make him share" argument while trying to drive. Although, maybe I take this thought back. These same thoughtful people have put party horns in each of the bags, so now I'm driving down the road with five children armed with party horns.

The party horns got confiscated by the time we reach the first stop light.

Now I need to at least make my house presentable for the party the next day, so I go on the mad cleaning dash. And I start with the playroom. I start here for two reasons: 1. This is always the messiest room and 2. The washing machine overflowed last night and flooded this room. Oh, did I mention my washer is acting up. Apparently the sensor that tells the machine that it has enough water is occasionally not working causing the machine to overflow into the playroom. Now this has only happened twice, once last week and last night. Of course, there is always some sort of plumbing problem right before guests arrive at our house. The repair man announced everything looked fine to him last week. Well apparently it's not. Fortunately, I had not put the area rugs back down in the playroom after last week's incident so I don't have to drag an 8 x 10 wet rug out of the house and throw it over the swing set again. I'm sure my neighbors love that look. Anyway, I spent my Saturday evening feeding children, changing diapers and cleaning the house.

Wooo, hooo! What an exciting life I have.

This morning I got up and did the grocery run for the food for the party. We set up the table and the food downstairs in the family room, which is right next to the playroom so this will keep the kids contained. Or so I think.

The party went well. We only had one casualty. One of my son's friends thought he'd be funny by dunking his French fries in his soda can. I had just told him to stop when he started crying because he cut his finger. Some cold water and a band-aid and we're all back together.

The boys spent the afternoon alternating between playing video games and climbing the trees in the back yard. I had a couple of organized activities but those went over like a led balloon. "Mom, we're playing." That's fine; less work for me and the football game is on.

My husband and I sit in the family room and keeping one eye on the kids playing out the window and the other eye on the game. A couple of times the kids came in to find out why we were yelling at the TV. Kind of an interesting reversal, but they were happy to hear our team was winning.

Most everything is cleaned up now. Although, the picnic table is still in the family room. I guess I'll take care of that tomorrow. It was a good day and after the post party clean up I'm getting to enjoy a fairly clean house. All of the kids are asleep and my husband's not home yet. All is peaceful and life is good.

Oh! I forgot to talk with the 12 year old about his power trip .... I'd better write myself a note or read my own blog ...

How do you manage?

"How do you manage it all?" That's usually the question that follows "You have five kids and both work full time???!!" I then calmly explain that is how we manage it all. Working full time is how we both keep our sanity. Stay home for more than 10 hours a day with five children and you'd be looking for a way to escape too. Believe me. These little people are demanding, emotional and if I hear "Mommy, he's not touching me again" (yes, not touching me is exactly what is said) or "He keeps making clicking noises at me. He's trying to make me lose the game!!!!" one more time that on some days I think my head may explode. Having a career gives me a great excuse to get out. And certainly allows us to pay the mortgage. I love my kids more than anything but I am a better Mom if I get away for a little bit each day. By the way, the he being referenced in both of the above sentences is usually my third son - The IMP. He's the one who likes to stir the pot. We'll talk more about him later.

Now my husband and I do things a bit differently than most people. I work as a Manager of a Software Testing team. (We're the people who try to break Applications before they are released to the public. Who knew you could get paid to try to break things? But I do. It's pretty cool). My husband is the Kitchen Manager/Chef for a local restaurant. What this means is I works days and he works nights. I try to get home by 5:30 PM three days a week so we can do the tag (transfer of dealing with the children) and he can go to work. There have been days I have been late coming home and this transfer has literally been a tag (like a tag team in wrestling) on the front walk as we pass each other. He works five nights a week but his off days are during the week - mine are the weekends. Now generally the next question is "When do the two of you ever see each other?" Well, it's our theory that not spending too much time together is the key to a happy marriage. There's no time to get annoyed by the way your spouse chews their food or something like that. Seriously though, it is a bit tricky, but actually works out really well. The key is constant communication. I'll generally give him a call after the kids have come home to get the run down of what needs to be done that night and to find out what's for dinner. You didn't think I did the cooking did you?? I'm married to a chef; anything I cook looks pale in comparison. Plus what and how I cook tends to annoy my husband - Kraft Macaroni and Cheese just does measure up to his standards, although my kids love it. They classify this kind of food Mom food. Mom food also includes things like grilled cheese and tomato soup and Pancakes for dinner. The kids will occasionally request Mom food from my husband. It almost killed him but my husband has cooked Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. He did try making fancy, made from scratch macaroni and cheese for them once. After taking a bite and pushing his plate away my second son actually announced "Mom's is better." That child is always telling my husband things like "It needs more salt" or "That's too spicy" or my favorite "It smells funny." Everyone has an opinion don't they? Even at the ripe age of ten.

My husband will give me a call at night after the kid's bedtime to get the run down of what needs to go to school with everyone in the morning and to check to make sure I put away the food and locked all of the doors. Yes, I get asked if I've put away the food most nights. You forget a stew or a soup sitting on the stove four or five times and you're branded for life. He's even gone so far to make sure things are transferred into plastic bowls to be put away after I've eaten and I've still left them sitting on the counter and gone to bed. Now you know why I get the phone call. I also get phone call reminders to come home from work. These generally start at 4:50 PM or so - I should leave work by 5:00 PM to be home by 5:30 PM but I'm often still in a meeting at that time. The first voice mail will be something like, "It's 10 of 5:00 time to stop talking and start shutting down your computer." Then the next one will come around 5:10 PM - "It's 5:10 do you know where your car is? It should have you in it and be on the way home" I generally am listening to this one as I walk to the parking garage. It always makes me smile. A good sense of humor goes a long way to help manage it all.

Why 5 children ....

When people ask my why I have five children, I always fall back on the old Bill Cosby line, "Because we didn't want six." I didn't get that joke until I had five children. I now find it absolutely hysterical. I have three boys and two girls. I love my children, but I'll admit there are some very challenging days. I never have a preference for boys or girls until my fourth child. I had the three boys first, so when I came up pregnant the fourth time I was in an absolute panic that I was having a fourth boy.

Now, I should explain the cause of this panic. My father is from a family of four boys and I grew up hearing stories about the things that went on in that house. There is a story of my uncles jumping off the garage roof using various devices. One tried using an umbrella, another a trash bag and a third just a towel tied like a cape. For any children reading, this don't get any bright ideas - none of these things worked and two of them ended up on crutches. The third apparently landed on the trash and smelled so bad even after taking a bath that he had to eat his dinner out on the porch that night. There is another story about someone (and to this day no one will admit who) painting the bathtub in the main bathroom black. There are many more similar stories, but you get the idea. This made me fear a fourth boy. Fortunately for me, my fourth and fifth children were girls.

This has brought about a different kind of panic. I was always a bit of a tom boy, so having a girlie girl is something of a challenge. The first time my daughter announced she wanted to be a princess for Halloween rather than joining her brothers as various members of the Harry Potter cast I didn't know what to do. I tried explaining the Hermione was really smart and could do magic, but she wasn't budging. "But she doesn't wear a crown Mommy" was the answer I got. What was I to do? I bought her the most girlie looking butterfly princess costume I could find. I struggle with this. I want my daughters to grown up knowing they can be anything they set their minds to be and to be healthy well adjusted adults. So, if that means she wants to be a princess for now then I guess she's a princess. Princess isn't that far from President, right? We'll see how it goes.